#187 How to Stop Living by Other People’s Rules
There are rules everywhere. Some are written down. Most aren’t.
How you’re supposed to dress.
What a successful life looks like.
How a good relationship should work.
What your body should look like.
What makes movement beautiful.
What’s professional.
What’s embarrassing.
What someone “like you” should or shouldn’t do.
And the interesting thing is that many of these rules don’t feel like rules at all. They feel like reality. We’ve heard them, seen them and participated in them for so long that we forget humans created them in the first place.
That’s where social constructs and conformity become incredibly useful concepts. Not because everything socially constructed is bad. Not because we need to rebel against every norm. And definitely not because the goal is to stop caring what other people think.
The point is much simpler: Once you can see the rule, you can decide whether you actually want to keep following it.
How do you stop living by other people’s rules?
You probably can’t remove social influence from your life — and you don’t need to. Instead, learn to notice the unwritten rules shaping your choices, question whether they align with your values, consciously decide which ones you want to keep, and experiment with alternatives when they don’t. Freedom isn’t never conforming. It’s recognising when you are conforming and knowing you have a choice.
What You’ll Learn
In this episode, you’ll learn:
What social constructs actually are — and why socially constructed doesn’t mean fake
How group norms quietly start feeling like objective truth
Why humans conform both to belong and because we assume other people know better
Why “stop caring what people think” is unrealistic advice
How conformity can influence creativity, relationships, work and identity
Why rebellion isn’t necessarily freedom
What groups can ask us to sacrifice in exchange for belonging
Why there may not be an untouched “real you” underneath social influence
How social norms can actually support creativity
How to use Observe → Question → Choose → Experiment → Tolerate
Why awareness doesn’t give you a blank canvas — it gives you access to the pen
The Rules You Stop Noticing
A lot of what we experience as reality is actually a mixture of reality and meaning humans have collectively attached to it. That doesn’t make those meanings fake. Money is socially constructed. Try explaining that to your landlord instead of paying rent… Good luck.
Socially constructed doesn’t mean imaginary or irrelevant. It means a category, expectation, meaning or rule exists because humans collectively participate in creating and maintaining it.
And once enough people participate for long enough, we stop seeing the construction. We just see: “That’s how things are.”
Which is where things get interesting. Because instead of asking: “Is this rule real?” we can start asking: “Is this a rule I want to participate in?”
Dance Makes Our Invisible Rules Really Obvious
Dance is full of rules. Point your feet. Create beautiful lines. Move your hips this way. This is good technique. That is bad technique. This looks elegant. That looks sloppy… And some rules have very practical purposes.
Technique can create safety. Shared conventions can help partner dancers communicate. Dance styles have histories and cultures that deserve to be understood and respected.
So this is not: Fuck technique. Do whatever you want.
But there is a difference between: “This particular community values this aesthetic.” and: “This is objectively the correct way for a human body to dance.”
Those are very different claims.
When My “Wrong” Feet Became My Style
I became particularly aware of this after winning Pole Theatre World Pro Art. A friend said something afterwards that I genuinely loved. Basically: “I don't actually enjoy the way you dance. Your style isn't for me. But I really appreciate that you have your own style.” Perfect. She didn’t need my movement to be beautiful to her in order to recognise that it was mine.
But something else happened after I won. Suddenly, things that might have been corrected in another dancer could be explained away in me as: “Well, that’s Molly’s style.”
I could flex my feet. Make my little banana feet. Break some of the aesthetic rules. The movement hadn’t changed.My foot hadn’t suddenly become objectively prettier.
The social meaning attached to it had changed.
I had received enough validation that something which might otherwise have been considered a mistake could now be interpreted as artistic choice. And that fascinated me!
Because holy shit. We make so much of this up.Not meaningless.Not fake. Human-made.
Why We Don’t Simply Do Whatever We Want
Of course, if noticing social constructs automatically freed us from them, this would be a very short article.
Unfortunately, you are human. And humans care about belonging. Sometimes we conform because we want people to accept us.
Other times we conform because we assume: Maybe they know something I don’t.
You enter a dance community. Everybody moves one way. The respected dancers move that way. The teacher teaches it. The competitions reward it. Annnnnnndd suddenly a preference or convention starts feeling a lot like truth.
That’s why I don’t like advice that simply says: “Stop caring what people think.” I fucking care what people think. Especially in partner dance, another person can literally decide they don’t enjoy dancing with me.
They can say no. That social consequence is real. Freedom doesn’t require pretending otherwise. It means being able to say: “I care what they think. This feels uncomfortable. And I still get to decide how much their opinion determines what I do.”
The Opposite of Conformity Isn’t Rebellion
This is probably one of the most important ideas in the episode.
Imagine the group chooses white. You automatically choose black because you refuse to conform.
Who determined your choice then? The answer might be suprising to you. But the group are still on the on in chage.
You’re still organising your behaviour around them. You’ve just reversed the direction. That isn’t freedom.
The opposite of conformity is choice. Maybe you choose white. Maybe black. Maybe purple. Freedom is being able to see that there are options.
And sometimes you’ll consciously choose the rule. Great. You’re not collecting points for rebellion.
Some traditions are beautiful. Some techniques help you. Some communities feel like home. Some social norms make living together considerably easier. Keep them.
The important shift is from: “This is simply how reality works.” to: “This is something I choose to participate in.”
What Are You Willing to Trade for Belonging?
This becomes more serious when we move beyond aesthetics.
Groups have rules about: what gets rewarded, what gets mocked, what we’re allowed to question, who receives status, what gets quietly ignored and what happens when someone steps outside the norm.
Sometimes the consequence is tiny… A weird look, Gossip, Feeling slightly awkward.
Sometimes the stakes are much higher. Speaking up could affect your job. Questioning something could affect friendships. Challenging harmful behaviour could make you the difficult person in the room.
So the question isn’t: “Conformity: good or bad?” It’s: “What am I being asked to give up in exchange for belonging here?”
Maybe the price is irrelevant to you. Fine. Maybe it’s a small creative compromise you’re perfectly happy making. Fine. But if the price starts becoming your values, boundaries or integrity? I’d like you to at least notice the transaction.
There May Not Be an Untouched “Real You”
This is where I think the conversation about authenticity often gets weird. We’re told to: Find yourself. Go inward. Discover who you really are underneath everything… But I’m not convinced there is some untouched original version of you hidden beneath society, relationships and experience.
You’ve been shaped.v By biology. Culture. Love. Pain. Practice. Family. Teachers. Communities. Choices you made deliberately and choices you didn’t even realise you were making.
So maybe the question isn’t: “Who was I before the world got to me?” Maybe it’s: “Who do I want to participate in becoming from here?”
Awareness Gives You Access to the Pen
I sometimes explain this using tattoo cover-ups.
A tattoo artist doing a cover-up doesn’t get blank skin. There are already lines. Colours. Shapes. History. They have to look at what actually exists and ask: “Okay. What can we create from this?”
I think we’re similar. You’re not a blank canvas. Some of your existing lines were consciously chosen. Some weren’t. Some you absolutly love. Some belonged to a version of you from ten years ago. You don’t need to hate them. But you can look at them.
Awareness doesn’t give you a blank canvas. It gives you access to the pen. And then you get to participate in what comes next.
Creativity Begins With “What Else Could Be True?”
This is why I think understanding conformity can make us more creative.
Creativity requires alternatives. What if it didn’t have to look like this? What if a beautiful pole line included a flexed foot? What if my dance didn’t look exactly like hers? What if success didn’t mean what my family taught me? What if relationships could look different? What if professionalism didn’t require me to behave exactly like everyone else in my industry? What else could be true?
Interestingly, groups themselves don’t have to destroy creativity even when their members have adapted to the group norm.
Imagine entering a dance space where the norm is: We experiment here. We get curious about weird shit. Failure isn’t embarrassing. You don’t need to look like everybody else.
You could technically be conforming while becoming more creative. Which brings us back to the actual question:
What am I conforming to — and do I want to?
Observe → Question → Choose → Experiment → Tolerate
This is the process I use be more in charge of my own life.
Find an arena of your life and observe it. You don’t need to analyse your entire existence tonight… Pick one environment. Could be: Your workplace, Family, Friend group, Dance community, Gym and Then become an anthropologist.
Observe
What are the unwritten rules? What gets praised? Corrected? Mocked? What is considered beautiful, embarrassing, successful, impressive or cringe?
Question
But not like: “Is this rule bad?”
Instead try quostioning: “Do I agree with it?” “Does it fit my values?” “What do I gain by participating?” and “What might it cost me not to?”
Choose
Do you want to keep the rule or not? Maybe you fucking love the rule… Keep it. But if you don’t there is only one thing to do, and that’s not leting it control your life anymore.
Experiment
If something doesn’t fit anymore, don’t go cray with the change, just do one small thing differently… Wear the thing. Say the sentence. Don’t laugh at the joke. Move differently. Flex the fucking foot.
Tolerate
This is the difficult bit.
Someone might not like it. You might feel awkward. Your brain may immediately scream: They think I’m weird. Fix it.
You don’t necessarily need to make that discomfort disappear. Sometimes you need to learn: I can feel this and still choose.
Then observe again. Maybe you hated your experiment. Go back. Maybe nothing happened. Interesting.
Maybe somebody actually rejected you. That can happen too. Now you have more information about the real cost of your choice.
… And thaen you choose again.
Freedom Isn’t Living Without Rules
Your freedom does not make consent irrelevant. Or safety. Or culture. Or another person’s freedom.
But somebody disliking your dancing isn’t automatically harm. Somebody feeling uncomfortable because you disagree isn’t automatically harm. Somebody wishing you behaved more like everyone else doesn’t automatically create a moral obligation to do so.
You don’t need a life without rules. You need enough awareness to know when you’re choosing them. Because you’ll always be influenced. So will I.
The goal isn’t to remove everyone else’s fingerprints from your identity. Maybe authenticity looks more like examining what you’ve inherited and saying:
This I want to keep.
This I want to change.
This I’m not sure about yet.
And this isn’t mine anymore.
The opposite of conformity isn’t rebellion.
It’s choice.
Key Takeaways
Socially constructed doesn’t mean fake or meaningless.
A rule can have real consequences without being an ultimate truth.
Humans conform both because we want belonging and because we assume the group knows better.
Caring what other people think isn’t a failure of confidence.
Freedom means being able to care and still choose.
The opposite of conformity isn’t rebellion — it’s choice.
A useful question is: What am I being asked to trade for belonging?
There may not be an untouched “real you” beneath social influence.
Authenticity can mean consciously participating in who you become next.
Creativity requires being able to imagine that another answer might exist.
Groups can encourage creativity when experimentation itself becomes the norm.
Awareness doesn’t give you a blank canvas. It gives you access to the pen.
Listen If...
This episode is for you if:
you regularly wonder whether you’re doing life “right”
you feel pressure to fit into a particular career, relationship or lifestyle
you want to express yourself more creatively but worry about judgment
you struggle to distinguish what you want from what your community values
you think confidence should mean not caring what anyone thinks
you automatically rebel against expectations and wonder whether that’s really freedom either
you’ve started questioning the unwritten rules in your family, workplace or community
you feel like your identity no longer quite fits
you’re afraid of the social consequences of doing something differently
you want to make more conscious choices without turning your entire life upside down
FAQ
What is a social construct?
A social construct is a meaning, category, expectation or rule that exists because humans collectively create and maintain it. Something being socially constructed does not mean it is fake or has no real-world consequences.
Why do people conform?
People may conform because belonging and social acceptance matter, but also because we often assume the group has information or expertise we don’t have.
Is conformity always bad?
No. Social norms can create safety, cooperation, shared culture and even creativity. The useful question isn’t whether conformity is inherently bad, but whether you consciously want to participate in a particular norm.
How can I stop living by other people’s expectations?
Start by noticing the unwritten expectations around you. Ask whether they fit your values and preferences, then experiment with small alternatives where they don’t.
How do I stop caring what people think?
You may not need to. Other people’s opinions matter to humans because belonging matters. A more realistic goal is learning that you can care about someone’s reaction without automatically allowing it to make your decision.
Is rebelling against social norms a form of freedom?
Not automatically. If you always do the opposite simply because a group expects something, the group is still determining your behaviour. Freedom requires choice rather than automatic conformity or automatic rebellion.
Further Reflection
I’d use these three:
1. What is one rule in my life that I’ve been treating as “just how things are” without ever consciously choosing it?
2. What do I gain from following that rule and what might it cost me to stop?
3. If I didn’t need to rebel against the rule or obey it, what would I actually choose?
You don’t have to change anything afterwards. Maybe you consciously choose the exact same thing… But now you know you chose it.
About Molly’s Playground
Molly’s Playground is a podcast about mindset, identity, creativity, movement and the invisible forces shaping the way we experience our lives.
Through coaching, dance, psychology and my own slightly chaotic experiments with being human, I explore how we can understand ourselves better without turning ourselves into another project that constantly needs fixing.
Not so we can become impossible to influence. But so we can become more conscious participants in who we’re becoming.
If someone came to mind while listening, someone who has spent years believing there’s one correct way they’re supposed to dance, work, love, look or live… send them this episode.
Not because they need to start breaking every rule tomorrow. Maybe they just need to realise: Some of them were rules in the first place.
