#186 How to stop letting other people drain your energy
Have you ever spent half an afternoon mentally arguing with someone who wasn’t even there?
Maybe your colleague did something you thought was ridiculous. Maybe a family member made a decision you completely disagree with. Maybe someone online said something that annoyed the shit out of you.
And suddenly your brain has opened a full courtroom: Arguments, Counterarguments, Imaginary conversations, Things you should have said, Things they should understand and hours later, nothing has actually changed.
Except maybe your mood.
This episode of Molly’s Playground is about learning to become more selective about what gets access to your mental energy. Not by becoming indifferent. Not by pretending harmful behaviour doesn’t matter. Not by giving up your values.
But by learning to distinguish between: “This genuinely requires my attention.” and “This person is simply doing something differently from how I would do it.”
Because those are not the same thing.
How do you stop letting other people drain your energy?
Start by noticing when your attention gets caught in someone else’s choices, then ask whether the situation actually requires action from you. If there is something meaningful you can do: have a conversation, set a boundary, make a decision, report harm — do it. If there isn’t, consciously return your attention to your own life. The goal isn’t to stop caring. It’s to stop confusing mental occupation with meaningful action.
What You’ll Learn
In this episode, you’ll learn:
why having an opinion doesn’t make something your responsibility
how much mental capacity imaginary arguments can consume
why being right can feel emotionally safe
how other people’s choices can challenge your own identity and worldview
how to distinguish “harmful” from “different from how I would do it”
why curiosity doesn’t mean agreement
how to maintain strong values without mentally policing everyone else
what to do when someone thinks you’re living your life wrong
the difference between being angry and actually making a difference
how to use the simple practice: Notice. Get curious. Return to yourself.
Having an Opinion Doesn’t Make Something Your Responsibility
One of the biggest shifts I’ve made is realising that I can have an opinion without turning it into a job.
I can think someone is making a terrible decision.
I can disagree with how somebody lives.
I can think my way of doing something is better.
And I still don’t have to spend three hours being angry about it.
I think we sometimes confuse caring with reacting.
As if not becoming upset means:
“Maybe I don’t care enough.”
But I don’t believe that.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for your values is stop spending all your energy being angry about how everybody else is living — and start using that energy to live your own values more fully.
Your Brain Doesn’t Come With a Battery Percentage
I picture mental capacity a little like an iPhone battery.
Some days you wake up at 90%.
Some days, for absolutely no clear reason, it feels like 43%.
And then throughout the day, you have all these invisible apps running in the background:
Why did she say that?
He shouldn’t be doing that.
I don’t understand how anyone can think like that.
Why can’t people just…?
You don’t get a little notification saying:
18% of today’s battery has now been spent being irritated with your colleague.
Unfortunately.
But attention, patience, concentration and emotional capacity are still limited resources.
So the interesting question isn’t:
How do I spend no energy?
It’s:
What deserves my battery?
Different From Me Isn’t Automatically Wrong
I’ve seen this very clearly in dance.
I have strong opinions about teaching.
I care about students feeling safe enough to explore.
I care about creating a healthy relationship with movement.
And because I’ve thought deeply about those things, I can easily watch another instructor and think:
I would never teach it like that.
There was a time when that thought could occupy a lot of mental space.
But eventually I had to recognise something uncomfortable:
Sometimes what I was seeing wasn’t:
“This is wrong.”
It was:
“This is different from me.”
There are absolutely situations where something is harmful or irresponsible and deserves attention.
But there is an enormous space between:
harmful
and
not how I would personally do it.
And I used to spend a lot of energy in that space.
Why Being Right Can Feel So Safe
Why do we care so much?
Sometimes I think being right gives us certainty.
We all build an understanding of:
what makes a good life
what success looks like
how relationships should work
how people should behave
how teaching should happen
what good parenting looks like
Those beliefs give us something to stand on.
Then someone appears who does the exact opposite...
and seems perfectly happy.
That can create an uncomfortable question:
If their way also works, do I need to reconsider mine?
Not necessarily.
But suddenly the possibility exists.
And deciding:
“Nope. They’re wrong.”
can feel much safer than becoming curious.
More Than One Way Can Make Sense
I don’t need another person’s life to make sense to me.
That’s become increasingly important.
Their choices can make sense to them.
Mine can make sense to me.
That doesn’t mean facts no longer exist.
It doesn’t mean all opinions are equally useful.
It doesn’t mean harmful behaviour should be ignored.
But when we’re talking about complicated human questions — relationships, creativity, work, meaning, lifestyle — there is usually far more room for variation than our brains would sometimes like.
And allowing that has actually made me feel more free.
Because I no longer need everybody else to validate my choices by making the same ones.
Strong Values Don’t Require Universal Rules
There is a difference between:
“This matters to me.”
and:
“This should matter to everyone.”
That difference sounds obvious.
But we cross that line surprisingly easily.
Especially when we have expertise.
Especially when we’ve thought deeply about something.
Especially when we care.
Experience can make our perspective valuable.
It doesn’t automatically make us the authority on another adult’s life.
And I’ve noticed that when I become too preoccupied with what everybody else should do, I sometimes end up behaving in ways that contradict my own values.
I value curiosity.
Understanding.
Freedom.
So walking around mentally annoyed that everyone doesn’t think like me?
That isn’t particularly aligned.
It’s mostly just exhausting.
Curiosity Isn’t Agreement
This distinction matters enormously.
You can understand someone without agreeing with them.
You can understand why someone made a decision while still believing it was a bad decision.
You can have compassion for their circumstances without excusing harm.
You can ask questions without abandoning your own beliefs.
Curiosity isn’t:
“You’re right.”
It’s:
“I’m secure enough in myself to allow more information into the room.”
And sometimes you’ll listen carefully and still conclude:
Nope. Still disagree.
Fine.
Now you simply understand more.
You Don’t Have to Make Your Life Make Sense to Everyone
The same principle applies when other people have opinions about us.
There are absolutely people who look at how I live and think:
I would never want that.
Okay.
They’re allowed.
I don’t have to make my life make sense to everyone.
What I’ve gained from caring less about their judgment is more room to ask:
Does this life make sense to me?
And if someone criticises something?
I can consider it.
Maybe they’ve noticed something useful.
Maybe I decide to change.
Or maybe I think:
I understand why you would choose differently, but I still want this.
Both are valid.
Other people’s opinions can become information without becoming instructions.
Notice. Get Curious. Return to Yourself.
When you notice yourself becoming mentally consumed by another person, try this:
Notice
Don’t immediately try to stop being annoyed.
Just recognise it.
“Okay. I’m getting really irritated.”
Get curious
Ask:
What is actually bothering me?
Is someone being harmed?
Is this genuinely against an important value?
Do I need to address something?
Or are they simply doing something differently from how I would?
Return to yourself
If something needs action, decide what meaningful action looks like.
Have the conversation.
Set the boundary.
Make your own decision.
Report something harmful.
But if there is nothing useful to do?
Come back to yourself.
Put the phone down.
Return to your work.
Make coffee.
Continue your day.
Sometimes the profound coaching insight really is:
Not my circus. I have shit to do.
What Would You Rather Spend the Energy On?
This is the part I care about most.
We’re not doing this just so you become less annoyed.
We’re freeing energy for something.
Your work.
Your relationships.
Your creativity.
Your body.
Your dreams.
The people you love.
The life you’re actually trying to build.
So the question isn’t only:
Can I let this go?
It’s:
What do I want to do with the energy I get back?
That is where the entire exercise becomes meaningful.
Part 3 – Website Continued
Key Takeaways
Having an opinion doesn’t make something your responsibility.
Different from you does not automatically mean wrong.
Curiosity can coexist with strong values.
Understanding someone does not require agreeing with them.
Other people are allowed to think you’re wrong.
Mental occupation and meaningful action are not the same thing.
If something genuinely matters, act where you actually have influence.
If there is nothing useful to do, return your attention to yourself.
You don’t have to make someone else wrong in order for your choices to be right for you.
The most important question is often: What do I want to do with the energy I get back?
Listen If...
This episode is for you if:
you keep replaying conversations after they end
you spend hours irritated by colleagues, family members or people online
you find yourself mentally correcting how other people live
you feel responsible for making other adults understand your perspective
disagreement feels strangely threatening
you struggle when people make choices you would never make
someone else’s opinion can ruin your mood for hours
you’re exhausted by what people might think about you
you want to keep strong values without becoming consumed by everyone who disagrees
you want more attention available for your own life
FAQ
Why do other people drain my energy so much?
Often it isn’t only the interaction itself. Mental replay, judgment, imagined arguments and trying to control what another person thinks or does can keep the situation active long after it ends.
How do I stop caring what other people do?
You don’t necessarily need to stop caring. Instead, distinguish between what requires action from you and what is simply outside your control.
Does letting something go mean I approve of it?
No. You can disagree strongly without continuing to spend mental energy on something you cannot or do not want to change.
How can I stop replaying arguments in my head?
Notice when the mental argument starts, ask whether there is anything meaningful you need to do, and if not, consciously redirect your attention towards something in your own life.
Can I have strong values and still be less judgmental?
Yes. Your values can guide your own actions without becoming rules that every other person must follow.
When should I speak up instead of letting something go?
When there is harm, a crossed boundary, a responsibility you genuinely hold, or meaningful action available to you. The point is not passivity — it’s intentionality.
Further Reflection
Sit with these three:
1. Who currently gets far more of my mental energy than I actually want to give them?
2. Is there anything meaningful I can do about this situation — or am I simply repeatedly being upset?
3. If I got that energy back, what would I rather spend it on?
That last question is the important one.
Because the goal isn’t simply to care less about them.
It’s to come back to you.
About Molly’s Playground
Molly’s Playground is a podcast about mindset, identity, self-worth, creativity and the weird ways our brains influence how we experience our lives.
Through coaching, movement and my own experiences, I explore how we can understand ourselves more deeply without turning our lives into one giant project that constantly needs fixing.
The goal isn’t perfection.
It’s more freedom to consciously choose where we put our attention, energy and lives.
Call to Action
If someone came to mind while listening — especially someone you regularly have conversations with about how exhausting other people can be — send them the episode.
Not as a passive-aggressive:
“You really need to hear this.”
Please don’t. 😂
Maybe just:
“This made me think about how much energy we sometimes spend on things we can’t control.”
And see where the conversation goes.
